Trusting God with Tumors

Finding Ways to Slow Down in Hard Seasons

How It Started

“You have something in your neck we should look at further.” That’s what my doctor said. I thought it was just a swollen lymph node that one day decided to always be swollen. I kept thinking to myself I was probably getting a small cold, or maybe it was allergies? But, I had been thinking along those lines for a year now, and it was still there.

It started to feel like a headache on the left side of my throat. I started having trouble swallowing. I could pinpoint exactly where it was, but also feel pain radiating towards my left ear. So, I told my doctor, and she recommended an ultrasound. The ultrasound came back abnormal and was referred to a dermatologist. The dermatologist said “not touching this” and referred me to general surgery at our local hospital. The general surgeon said, “definitely not touching this” and he referred me to an Ear, Nose, and Throat (ENT) surgeon at a more specialized hospital out of town.

The ENT surgeon agreed we should get it out, so, now I wait. It’s been a lot of waiting between all of those appointments. It is a little unclear what type of tumor it is, but they are hopeful it isn’t cancer.

Waiting and Thinking

I would be lying to say this has not been a stressful time. My mind does sometimes wander as to what could happen from a tumor, through surgery, etc. Death, and paralysis are possibilities. I am required, for the first time in my life, to have an advanced directive.

I don’t think the surgery will be overly complicated, Lord willing. But, it does make you think. When I go to lay my baby down in his crib, I consider what his life would look like without me. Matt and I have had to have hard conversations about the future, ‘just in case’.

Most of the time, though, I just go about my day, but slightly different. I feel very appreciative of time. I am so glad I am home. So thankful I have had the opportunity to spend so much time with my family. I can make the days go as slow as I need them to be, just to soak it all in.

There are things I am working on during this time, but haven’t perfected yet. Savoring; Not rushing through bedtime; Not being irritated when Matt forgets to put his shoes away; appreciating each small moment and remembering that the small moments make up more childhood than the big moments. Do they still know that I love them? Even when the moment is hard? Even if I snapped and had a bad tone?

I hope so.

Trusting God With It All

I know I am not perfect and not made to be. That’s where trust comes in. I trust, no matter the outcome of all of this, that God will provide. He has gotten us through difficult financial times and more. God has our back. I will trust him through the surgery, I will trust him with the outcome.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;
    in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
    and with my song I give thanks to Him.

Psalm 28:7